Prelim 1.

Friday, July 31, 2009

IDK how well I did for my Prelim 1 because I did not exactly sit for 3/4 of the papers. What I sat for was; English, Social Studies, Science (Chemistry) & Math. Half of which I failed miserably badly. I passed English & Social Studies. Mediocre grades was all I got. I have been constantly doing my Ten- Year Series (TYS) for most of my subjects. I did the timetable like most of the teachers encouraged us to do. Now, all I need to do is follow it religiously. I am working hard to achieve my grade goal.

FYI, Mother Tongue O' level results coming out in the two weeks time. OH. MY. GAWD. Hyper-ventilating already. Seriously, no matter how well I think I did for my paper, I know there is obviously someone who does better than me. Not that I am afraid of losing out the majority of the student population, but not achieving my goal is what worries the shit out of me. I think I should leave the rest to God to decide. (: Cause I know I did my best. A week or two after the national holiday, I will be sitting for my English Oral. Scary shit, yes?

Emotional wreck this week. I do not really know why. Anyway, I feel absolutely better after talking & venting out on Y & UJ. It is as though a heavy burden has been lifted. Or simply evaporated. However, I do have a nagging feeling that it will be short-lived. As with most things. Even though I feel much discouraged by my Math results. Nevertheless, I will take this stupid Prelim 1 as a bloody huge stepping stone & work so much more harder for Prelim 2. Which, might I add is also coming. Either the 3rd week of August or the end of the month.

Let me get the grade that I want & need to get for Malay O's so that I will be able to do something worthwhile during my Malay lessons. (:

xoxo.

| 3:45 PM |

New York City!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

I WANT to, actually it's more than a want. It is a NEED. I NEED to go to NEW YORK CITY. Just cause. Maybe even live there. I happened to watch 'The City' marathon weekend last night & I was so transfixed by NY. It's like everything magical & everything disastrous can happen all at once. They (Idk which they they are) say that if you have lived & survived in New York City, you can survive anywhere else. Don't really know how much truth is in it. Still, I just want to go there, get my own apartment & create a whole new life. Away from my pasts. Easier said than done, though. Maybe I will get the chance. Then again, maybe not. Oh well, just as long as I get to actually to visit the city is fine by me. Both fun & scary at the same time, don't you think? Starting in a new city all by yourself. Gives me the shudders, just thinking about it. New York, the big apple, the city that NEVER sleeps. I know I won't get to actually live there, so fine. Just let me explore the city. I don't think I will even have a chance of visiting NY cause Mum doesn't want to travel there.

She says, "Too modern. What's there to see in NY?"

Anyways, finished up the present that I made for Y. Her birthday's coming. Well, technically still 3 more weeks or so to go. I just thought that doing it earlier would give me ample time to concentrate on something else, like studying for example. Of which I have yet to do. The urgency to study is still not there. Someone give me a wake up call. This is where I get off. (:

| 8:24 PM |

PMS-ing.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Getting periods always make me edgy. Prior to getting my periods, my emotions run high. Absolutely high. I get too emotional. Too angry, too sad & too irritated easily. None of which are the least bit comforting. I get upset & cry over the littlest things. If I were to get shouted at by anyone (esp Dad), I would cry my heart out. I don't know why this happens. Whatever the case, Mum does not believe in PMS. She thinks I am forever in a state of angst. It is hard, really when you emotions jumble up all at once & you start being so pessimistic. The first few days of my periods are the worst, cause I feel like the whole world has turned against me. Even my loved ones. It's impossible to deal with. I cry, cry & cry til my tear ducts can't cry no more. I cry til I God knows when. Every little thing gets me upset. I feel like I am being isolated from my friends. Once the sadness goes away, anger kicks in. Not anger per se, more towards revenge. I think. Oh well, I will try live with it. Life is full of problems, but half the time, I pull together whatever strength left in me & smile. (:

Cause most of the time, smiling keeps you from crying.

| 8:10 PM |

Oral.

Friday, July 10, 2009

This week has been both mentally & physically tiring for me.

Malay O' lvl orals took the bulk of it all. Being the weakest person in all of the O' level candidates, I knew that I would be at a disadvantage. This time though, I didn't cry though I screwed it big time. Maybe it was cause of the fact that I none of my friends were actually taking the same oral as me. E was supposed to be there, but she was on medical leave. I was the only girl. I thought I would be the last girl to go through oral from our school. Turns out, I wasn't even close to last. I was the FIRST GIRL, the FIRST SCHOOL to go. YCK Secondary was the school after us. Not many students were taking the oral exam today. I made LM accompany me. Firstly, cause I was so damn scared. Secondly, I didn't know how to get (neither did she). Thirdly, being the only Secondary 5 person (the rest being the 3 higher Malay Secondary boys) made me freak out. I mean, as it is, going to a foreign school where you usual get everyone staring at you is daunting. Let alone walk into the school & wonder around the compound. Anyway, not one student stared at any of us. They were absolutely accommodating, honestly. The vibe in the school was nice. The toilet was so darn clean, dry & comfortable. Unlike our toilets. (: Couldn't find the canteen at all. I didn't even get a chance to get a glimpse of it. Let alone taste any of their food. LM & I purposely didn't want to eat lunch there cause we were afraid it would have been the same case as last year. I shudder at that memory.

Last night, before my Malay O' oral, I went to hysteria-mode. It was so scary for me. I could not finish my homework on time, just mentally freakin' myself out made me not think straight at all. I was all over the place. Scattered. Everything was falling apart at such a drastic rate that eventually, I broke down & cried my heart out. I cried my heart out, in the dark. Whilst everyone else was eating dinner. When Mum came in, she didn't notice anything out of place. Yeah, I was that good. The fact that not a single person at home asked me whether I was anxious for oral, is beyond me. Not one person noticed that I had just finished crying, except for my maid. You would think Mums know best. LM reminded me to have faith in God. It was difficult for me because I sometimes think that I don't deserve to be treated nicely. Mostly, it was because I did not think I studied enough to deserve that grade. I know everything is eventually decided by God, cause He knows best. To me, it felt like I think I can control everything & not God. That was where I was obviously wrong. God knows what is best for us. Even if we suffer now, I am sure He has His reasons for doing so. He knows we will get through this; stronger, wiser, better.

I tried my best. I did my best. Honestly, frankly, I did my best. Now, I pray that my best was enough to get the grade that I want and the grade that I deserve. :D Keep your fingers crossed for me. Pray for me, really. Please do. I will greatly appreciate it. (:

| 10:11 PM |