Oral.

Friday, July 10, 2009

This week has been both mentally & physically tiring for me.

Malay O' lvl orals took the bulk of it all. Being the weakest person in all of the O' level candidates, I knew that I would be at a disadvantage. This time though, I didn't cry though I screwed it big time. Maybe it was cause of the fact that I none of my friends were actually taking the same oral as me. E was supposed to be there, but she was on medical leave. I was the only girl. I thought I would be the last girl to go through oral from our school. Turns out, I wasn't even close to last. I was the FIRST GIRL, the FIRST SCHOOL to go. YCK Secondary was the school after us. Not many students were taking the oral exam today. I made LM accompany me. Firstly, cause I was so damn scared. Secondly, I didn't know how to get (neither did she). Thirdly, being the only Secondary 5 person (the rest being the 3 higher Malay Secondary boys) made me freak out. I mean, as it is, going to a foreign school where you usual get everyone staring at you is daunting. Let alone walk into the school & wonder around the compound. Anyway, not one student stared at any of us. They were absolutely accommodating, honestly. The vibe in the school was nice. The toilet was so darn clean, dry & comfortable. Unlike our toilets. (: Couldn't find the canteen at all. I didn't even get a chance to get a glimpse of it. Let alone taste any of their food. LM & I purposely didn't want to eat lunch there cause we were afraid it would have been the same case as last year. I shudder at that memory.

Last night, before my Malay O' oral, I went to hysteria-mode. It was so scary for me. I could not finish my homework on time, just mentally freakin' myself out made me not think straight at all. I was all over the place. Scattered. Everything was falling apart at such a drastic rate that eventually, I broke down & cried my heart out. I cried my heart out, in the dark. Whilst everyone else was eating dinner. When Mum came in, she didn't notice anything out of place. Yeah, I was that good. The fact that not a single person at home asked me whether I was anxious for oral, is beyond me. Not one person noticed that I had just finished crying, except for my maid. You would think Mums know best. LM reminded me to have faith in God. It was difficult for me because I sometimes think that I don't deserve to be treated nicely. Mostly, it was because I did not think I studied enough to deserve that grade. I know everything is eventually decided by God, cause He knows best. To me, it felt like I think I can control everything & not God. That was where I was obviously wrong. God knows what is best for us. Even if we suffer now, I am sure He has His reasons for doing so. He knows we will get through this; stronger, wiser, better.

I tried my best. I did my best. Honestly, frankly, I did my best. Now, I pray that my best was enough to get the grade that I want and the grade that I deserve. :D Keep your fingers crossed for me. Pray for me, really. Please do. I will greatly appreciate it. (:

| 10:11 PM |